Erenlai - Identity and Self-Realization 認同感與自我實現
Identity and Self-Realization 認同感與自我實現

Identity and Self-Realization 認同感與自我實現

 

 

Where do I come from? Where do I go?... These contributions offer tools to explore the complexities of identity, overcome contradictions and recognize one’s true self.

你的文化認同感很薄弱嗎?這裡的文章帶領你探索認同感的建立、矛盾的根源與自我意義的覺察。

 

 

Wednesday, 12 March 2008

我是东协公民

跨国大学生态度调查的结果显示,有76.8%的受访者认为自己是东协公民。

杨昊 撰文
写于2008年1月22日

东协在韩国政府的经费支持下,在2007年推动了一项有关东协意识与态度研究的跨国大规模调查。这次横跨十国的调查主要访问了2170位学生,受访者平均年龄在20岁左右,男女性别比例接近1:1。从这次大规模访问的结果,两位教授将受访者对东协的态度与东协意识的立场,分别归为四种不同的类型:热衷论者、正面支持者、矛盾犹疑者以及怀疑论者。在两千多位大学生中,以正面支持东协者居多,这些支持者在本质上与热衷论者相近。反映在成员国方面,以柬埔寨、寮国与越南等国的学生对于东协秉持著高度热衷的态度;相较之下,新加坡学生则是多半倾向矛盾犹疑的态度,而近年来引起许多争议的缅甸则是对东协抱持著怀疑的态度。

问卷中有几项对于受访者在东协公民意识、对区域理解与整合行动的优先顺序的问题,可以被视为是这项大规模访问的关键指标。其中,对于东协公民意识的访问,整体而言有76.8%的学生认为自己是东协公民,尤其在柬埔寨、寮国、越南有九成以上的学生表示支持,而在汶莱、马来西亚则有八成以上的支持率。值得注意的是,一向被认为是国际型城市国家的新加坡,只有四成九左右的学生认为自己是东协公民。

再者,对于文化接近性的问题,以越南、寮国、柬埔寨、印尼等国的学生认为东协成员国之间有明显的文化亲近性。相较之下,在新加坡、汶莱、缅甸、马来西亚的学生,则认为东协国家的文化亲近性较小。

另外,对于认识东协的访问,整体来看约有60.7%的学生对东协有一定程度的认识,包括成立时间、旗帜等历史事实。尽管如此,还是有近4成的学生对东协的发展与现况赶到生疏。其中,在了解程度方面自认最清楚东协发展的两个国家,分别是寮国(84.5%)与越南(88.6%)的学生。最不了解的东协者则是缅甸(9.6%),从资料显示约有90%以上的受访学生对东协感到陌生。

最后,对于区域与邻国的认识方面,在受访者中有近91.8%的学生愿意再多了解所处区域的其他国家,其中尤其以柬埔寨(99.6%)、越南(98.5%)、菲律宾(97.2%)的学生表现出相当积极的态度。但相较之下,国内社会较为封闭的缅甸仍有15.4%的受访者不愿意积极了解所处区域与邻近国家。

东协秘书长素林在会中表示,曾在2006年到2007年担任轮值主席的菲律宾,尽管大力在国内推动东协意识,但还是只有38.6%的学生认得东协的官方旗帜,类似的现象亦出现在素林的母国泰国国内。此种现象意味著东协与成员国尽管近年来积极推销东协形象,目前各国大学生亦逐渐具备初阶的东协意识,但这种意识在内涵上或者是在强度上仍多有不足。尤其相对于东协十国中的五亿六千七百万公民而言,东协组织或成员国如果要彻底推动认识东协的工作,或者要强化在地社会的东协意识,其实还有一段漫长的路要走。

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Friday, 29 February 2008

Fatherhood as Withdrawal

My father died at 47. I was then 18, and my younger sister was 10. His own father had died when he was 15 or 15 if I remember well. My mother’s father died when she was 7. It means that, in our family, we have experienced what the loss of a father feels like, and we know what its long-term consequences are, when it comes to family equilibrium and psychological development.

What I want to stress here is that not all consequences are negative. In some respect, a good father remains a father in death, as withdrawal is an inherent part of a father’s role. What it means to be a father evolves with the coming of age of a son or daughter. However, very quickly, a father proves to be truly a “good” one if he is able to withdraw, to give space to the growth of his children – it might be what the Bible tells us when it is said that on the seventh day God rested: the creation was now the playing ground of His children, and He was giving them the space needed for becoming themselves and continue His work.

A father is an authority figure, even if he has to show a loving and compassionate face. He is the one who gives the Law, who teaches the rules that makes it possible to live as a human being in harmony with the rest of the species. The Law is ultimately the setting that allows us to grow as being “one among other people”, with our rights and duties. But he also has to make his children discover that the Law is for growth and freedom, not for enslaving them, not for cloistering them within the age of childhood and irresponsibility. He has to “let it go”, to retreat from the Law he gave them, so that they can interpret it, understand it in their own terms, and ultimately make the Law their own, as they will be able to transmit it to their own children. He is a father because he enables children to become father on their own terms, not according to a ready-to-made model.

As I grow older, I remember more vividly things that my father said and did, I remember his way of reacting to people and situation, his inner joy and his frailties, I make his life experience mine, not that I am repeating it – not in the least -, but rather because it provides me with renewed insights. In the process, I feel as if my own father was growing within me, as if I was becoming responsible of his ultimate destiny. The best of what he lived for, the meaning and essence of his existence, all of this is now entrusted to me, and I have to transmit it in new and inventive ways, so that the common tree that humankind is called to become may continue to grow and to bear fruits.


Wednesday, 27 February 2008

父亲,不只有背影

相对于母亲的抚抱与哺育,在许多人的记忆中,父亲的背影比脸孔来得清晰,正如作家朱自清在〈背影〉一文所言,我们似乎是看著父亲渐行渐远的背影而成长的。

李礼君 撰文 Hubert摄影

在一代代华人的字里行间,父亲有著硕大俨然不可亲近的形象。相对于母亲的抚抱与哺育,在许多人的记忆中,父亲的背影比脸孔来得清晰,正如作家朱自清在〈背影〉一文所言,我们似乎是看著父亲渐行渐远的背影而成长的。

今日,父亲的职责有增无减,爸爸们卡在工作压力与家庭责任之间,赫然发现职场生存不易,陪伴家人的时间越来越少。许多父亲不愿重复传统的男性角色,而要当一个「新好男人」却心有馀而力不足…究竟,怎样做才能当一个「好父亲」?

本期e人籁将与读者分享今日父亲的故事。「永远的顽童」陶大伟分享他与陶喆这对「陶」气父子的开放心态与生活互动;丽婴房林泰生董事长则说,无论是照顾企业的四千名员工,或是在自己的四口之家做父亲,「民主」都是不二法门。此外,还有新爸爸、单亲爸爸、监狱受刑人…他们写出了自己当爸爸的体验,邀请您进入他们的苦乐与悲喜…

除了动人的故事,这一期我们深刻地探索「当爸爸」的新定义:现代家庭政策的变迁、父职的新挑战,以及灵修体验中「天父」与「人父」的相映照,我们更看见「父爱」跨越时空的本质。

从被凝视的背影到逐渐清晰的面貌,今日父亲延续爱家的使命,同时给家新的生命活力。这一期《人籁》将是您「为父之路」上知性与心灵的加油站。期盼每一位父亲以及未来的父亲,都能找到属于自己的「父亲脸孔」!
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Wednesday, 27 February 2008

單親爸爸的悲哀與幸福

我心中總同時存在兩個我,一個「我」總是頻頻回頭,回憶著酸甜苦辣的過往,另一個「我」則無可避免地觀望前方…

趙金智 撰文 吳俊勳 攝影

這輩子我未曾想過,有一天我也會成為「單親爸爸」。
十多年來的婚姻生活,我與妻胼手胝足地生養了兩個可愛的女兒,四人世界裡有笑聲有淚水,一點一滴地打造出屬於自己的城堡。當然與老婆也有很多的爭執,但我們始終堅持床頭吵床尾和,盡力平心靜氣理性溝通。步入中年後,與老婆的關係越見融洽,夫妻之間更加互相依賴、彼此依靠,越來越體會白首偕老的甘美。我們還有亭亭玉立的大女兒與活潑天真的小女兒,有人笑我住在女生宿舍裡,是啊!我就是守護著幸福宿舍的快樂舍監。
單親家庭是別人家的悲哀,與我家無關啊,我家好得很!
怎麼也沒想到,兩年多前一場意外竟造成陰陽兩隔,生離死別,好好一個家就這麼硬生生、血淋淋地一分為二,再不圓滿也再不完整了。這麼多年努力經營這個家,結果竟是這般殘酷…。「單親爸爸」這頭銜我不想要、不敢當,卻也只能戴在頭上一輩子了。
自從妻和大女兒死後,每當想她們想到無法排解時,我就低著頭一直走一直走一直走…從新店碧潭沿著北新路、羅斯福路到公館再轉新生南路,到和平東路老婆生前工作的地點,在我每天接她下班的地方回憶過去的種種,噙著眼淚及思念再沿原路走回家,等待小女兒放學歸來。這種彷彿毫無意義如阿甘般的行為,卻往往能安定我的情緒,振作起我的精神,也使我的人生能繼續走下去。
我心中總同時存在兩個我,一個「我」總是頻頻回頭,愛回憶著酸甜苦辣的過往,另一個「我」則無可避免的要觀望前方,面對我與小女兒的未來、我們兩人共同的人生。如果可以,我寧可一輩子都沉溺在過去的回憶裡,就這麼悲哀地走著,低著頭永遠也不抬起來,一直走到生命的盡頭,走到妻與大女兒等待我的所在。但是作為一個父親,一個要獨立照顧守護小女兒的單親爸爸,我只得一遍又一遍地問自己:這樣對小女兒公平嗎?她的美好人生還沒開始哩!聽著她哭哭啼啼的說:「爸爸不要離開我!」我強忍著奪眶的淚水,就這麼緊緊地抱著孩子,什麼話也說不出來。
我常捫心自問:對子女到底要做到什麼程度才能稱為「好爸爸」?我不知道也從沒有找到答案,為孩子做太多或太少都不行,此間分際的拿捏既沒有標準答案也沒有公式可循,只能膽顫心驚地期盼自己能隨著孩子一天天的長大而同步成長,期盼做她這一生的好朋友,也能做她永遠倚靠的好爸爸。
比這更困難的可能就是如何做個「單親好爸爸」吧。在偽裝堅強的外表下,我的內心卻經常充滿了徬徨不安、無助和無奈,沒有了妻的參與,不知道該怎麼做或該做些什麼,才是小女兒最需要的。凡事沒有人可以商量、討論,最悲哀的恐怕是連個吵架的人都不在身邊…每當遇到生活中不知該如何取決的難關,或是小女兒想起媽媽姐姐而傷心難過的時候,我在心頭一遍一遍的呼喚老婆,希望她能告訴我接下來要怎麼走,其實腦子裡清楚的知道,這又是我一個不成眠的夜晚。
現在我盡力去盤算、全心去思考,一切以小女兒的美好未來為依歸。一個單親爸爸渺小卑微的心願,只希望能健康地、充實地過好每一天,把她健康平安帶大,陪伴她成長,緊握著女兒的小手,再也不放開。
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Wednesday, 27 February 2008

Educating children with martial arts

I have been an English teacher for several years in Taipei, Taiwan. I taught in Nankang, NeiHu, Mucha, JingMae, Hsintien, GuTing, and LanYa in ShiLin. I taught various levels and ages of children who were in preschool to senior high school. The youngest class was a yoyo ban with children that were 2 1/2 years old. The oldest class was a class composed of junior and senior high students. I had a wide range of students and classes mostly at the preschool and elementary level.

Before teaching English in Taiwan, I was the Chief Instructor of the Spokane Ki Society. It is a school that teaches a martial art known as Aikido which concentrates on mind and body co-ordination along with self defense. I taught the adult and children classes. In the children classes, I had the opportunity to meet and help a lot of children from all sorts of backgrounds. I like children. They like to play and have fun. Sure, sometimes they get into trouble, but that is what learning to grow up is all about. Sometimes when you fall getting up can be a learning experience. Knowing what it is to be a positive person and how to correct ones own mistakes or to prevent future ones is a valuable lesson for the future. That is what children are. They are our future.

The role of a teacher to a student is first to be a teacher. Second, the teacher can be a friend or mentor. In todays society, often the mother and the father are both working and are very busy, so for the preschool aged children, the teacher often has more quality time with the children than do the parents. In this case, a lot of children are raised and brought up due to the help from the teachers, but by no means can a teacher really ever take the place of a parent. Some children experienced a loss of a parent due to divorce or death. Sometimes, these children have a psychological need to fill that emotional place in their lives. Often the teacher and the students looking up to the teacher both help in filling that hole of a lost loved one, but again no one can really replace a mother or father. A teacher can just help with the needs of a student.

When teaching preschool children, I helped the children learn everything there was to know or needed to know for that age from how to brush their teeth to how to ethically and morally conduct themselves in a social environment besides just teaching English. I treated and took care of them as if they were my own children. At times, it could be seen as a fatherly influence on the children or that of a mentor. For the older children in elementary school or junior high, I did not see them everyday, but a few times a week, so we mostly practiced English or how to be a good student. Also, in educating the children, I used the training philosophies of Aikido especially with classroom management. For teaching ethics and morality, I simply drew upon what my Grandmother and Grandfather had taught me as a child.

I would like to have children. I would hope to be a good father. I know that I will be a much better father due to my experiences of teaching children.

Wednesday, 27 February 2008

The joys and sorrows of being a single dad

I had never thought that I could also become a “single dad”. After 10 years of marriage, my wife and I had patiently built our home, a little castle where to raise our two dear daughters. Of course we had all together our ups and downs but as after a storm comes a calm, our disputes were never long and we always managed to get along very well. Once in the mature age, our relationship even grew stronger and we enjoyed the sweetness of growing old together. Moreover, we had two beautiful daughters, two lovely and graceful little girls. Our friends used to joke about my living in a “girls dorm” and, indeed, I was the fortunate guardian of a blissful cocoon.

“How lucky I am to have all my family around me, I must be the happier dad”… But misfortune struck two years ago, bringing death and loss, taking away two pillars of the home we had built with love and care… “I am a single dad”: this sentence then just frightened me. How would I be able to assume this new responsibility? Yet, I will have to bear it the rest of my life.

After the accident that took away my wife and my elder daughter, I could not cast away my painful thoughts of them; then, I would just bow my head and walk endlessly… Along Beixin road in Xindian until Roosevelt road, Gongguan, turn right into Xinsheng South road to Heping east Road where my wife had her office while she was alive. This is where I used to go pick her up after work, the memories are heavier, I hold my tears and I go back home to wait for my little girl to come back from school. This behavior and these acts may seem senseless and a bit dumb, but they were my ways of regaining peace and putting myself together. Finally I could live a normal life again.

Like Janus, I’m facing two different directions: one “me” is looking back in pain and grief while the other “me” is irresistibly gazing deep into the future horizon, into the future of my daughter and our life together, the two of us. If possible, I would have clung all my life to my memories of the past, I would have bowed my head and walked with the same grief and sadness towards the end of the path where my wife and my other daughter are waiting for me. But as I am still a father, a single dad who has to take care of and to cherish a little girl, I has kept telling myself : This is not fair for her, her life is just starting now!

I look into my conscience and I wonder how to be a “good father”. I have no answer to this question yet; whatever you do, it will never be too much to raise your kids. Indeed, there is no universal recipe, even if I’m scared out of my wits, I just want to follow closely my daughter growing up everyday, little by little, I hope I can be her good friend and, most of all, the dad she can count on.

And what’s even more difficult than that is probably to be a “single dad”. Beneath my hardener appearance, in my deep heart, I’m confused. I feel helpless without my wife’s support, I don’t know what my little girl might need and how to give it to her. I have nobody to talk with or to ask for advice; the worst of all is that I don’t even have someone to fight with… Each time I encounter a difficulty or a problem, or each time my daughter feels sad because she misses her mom and her sister, I’m silently crying for my wife’s help, wishing she could tell me what to do next… But in the bottom of my mind, I know well that it is just another sleepless night.

Now and then, I’m weighing and thinking everything in order to insure the best future possible to my daughter. As a single dad, my most humble wish is to live everyday in the healthiest and happiest way, together with my little girl. I wish to accompany her growth, holding tight her little hand.

Attached media :
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Tuesday, 26 February 2008

Children words : "my daddy"

Read and listen to children’s words about their father (Taipei).
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"My daddy wears glasses, he is not thin and he is not fat. Sometimes he gets angry, he is friendly and he has black hair. My daddy works in China airlines. He likes to play with me, he often eats vegetables and hot pot, he also likes to eat bread. He doesn’t like to eat noodles. He likes to play computer games with me, he likes to play poker with me. I went shopping with daddy. My daddy teaches me how to do my homework, he also teaches me how to drive cars."

Irene, 6 1/2 years old


"My dad is not tall and not short. He is not fat and not thin. Sometimes he is very serious but sometimes he is funny. If I do something bad, he gets angry. He is also friendly. He is very smart because he was a math teacher. I don’t know what his job is now. My dad likes to swim and play soccer too. He likes to exercise. He doesn’t like me and my sister to argue. My dad plays toy car with me. My dad tells me how to write homework, he teaches me how to play soccer, and also how to speak Japanese."

Andy, 9 years old


"He has a little bit of hair. He is an adult. His belly is very big. He is smart because he likes to read books. Sometimes he is serious but sometimes he is funny. He likes to eat vegetables and rice. He likes to cut his hair. He likes to play cards with me but my dad doesn’t want me, my sister and my mother to go to Mac Donald’s. My dad teaches me how to use the computer. We play card games on the computer. My daddy didn’t teach anything for school, it was only my mom."

Christine, 7 years old.


"My dad is tall and strong. He likes to work and he likes to cook. His work is in Hong Kong. He likes to watch news on TV. I don’t know anything else. He likes to watch movies with me. He lives in Hong Kong but sometimes he comes to Taiwan. He helps me to write my homework."

Alex


"My dad is not tall and not short. And he has many pairs of glasses. My dad’s English is very good! My dad is friendly, but sometimes he can be angry. He likes to eat a snack in the middle of the night. Because he gets very hungry, he is so fat. He also likes to drink tea. We go to the Movies together so my dad is happy. After he drives his car and we go to eat some ice cream."

Coco, 7 years old


 

Tuesday, 26 February 2008

Children words : "my daddy"

Read and listen to children’s words about their father (Taipei).
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"My daddy wears glasses, he is not thin and he is not fat. Sometimes he gets angry, he is friendly and he has black hair. My daddy works in China airlines. He likes to play with me, he often eats vegetables and hot pot, he also likes to eat bread. He doesn’t like to eat noodles. He likes to play computer games with me, he likes to play poker with me. I went shopping with daddy. My daddy teaches me how to do my homework, he also teaches me how to drive cars."

Irene, 6 1/2 years old


"My dad is not tall and not short. He is not fat and not thin. Sometimes he is very serious but sometimes he is funny. If I do something bad, he gets angry. He is also friendly. He is very smart because he was a math teacher. I don’t know what his job is now. My dad likes to swim and play soccer too. He likes to exercise. He doesn’t like me and my sister to argue. My dad plays toy car with me. My dad tells me how to write homework, he teaches me how to play soccer, and also how to speak Japanese."

Andy, 9 years old


"He has a little bit of hair. He is an adult. His belly is very big. He is smart because he likes to read books. Sometimes he is serious but sometimes he is funny. He likes to eat vegetables and rice. He likes to cut his hair. He likes to play cards with me but my dad doesn’t want me, my sister and my mother to go to Mac Donald’s. My dad teaches me how to use the computer. We play card games on the computer. My daddy didn’t teach anything for school, it was only my mom."

Christine, 7 years old.


"My dad is tall and strong. He likes to work and he likes to cook. His work is in Hong Kong. He likes to watch news on TV. I don’t know anything else. He likes to watch movies with me. He lives in Hong Kong but sometimes he comes to Taiwan. He helps me to write my homework."

Alex


"My dad is not tall and not short. And he has many pairs of glasses. My dad’s English is very good! My dad is friendly, but sometimes he can be angry. He likes to eat a snack in the middle of the night. Because he gets very hungry, he is so fat. He also likes to drink tea. We go to the Movies together so my dad is happy. After he drives his car and we go to eat some ice cream."

Coco, 7 years old



Tuesday, 26 February 2008

My baby, my responsibility

When I first learnt that I was going to be a father, I didn’t really figure out all the implications. I just got the deep feeling that it was the start of something totally new, totally different, the beginning of a long process that would change everything. I felt I would change too, smoothly but definitely. A peaceful wave of joy in my heart was giving me a new strength in facing that situation. But also more realistic thoughts came in my mind later, like cost, convenience, freedom, future…

What made me really realize my fatherhood for the first time is the moment I saw him on the screen of the ultrasound scan. Usually, the doctor will let you hear your baby heartbeats by increasing the sound’ level of the machine. At that time, I truly understood that he was already alive, hearing his heart beating strong and trying to guess the whereabouts of his head, body etc...It was an intense experience and It was impossible to ignore the very concrete fact anymore.

Still, I’m not sure how being a father would affect me. It’s always difficult to judge one-self and to clearly understand any change happening. I think I started a subtle evolution in terms of attitude toward a lot of issues, concepts and life difficulties. Thinking will maybe become more assertive because of the new responsibility of being a father, but basically, the main change dwells in the way you will face life. To be a father will drive you toward more balanced and positive feeling. You’re not alone anymore, so you are no longer willing to put yourself at risk as if it was only you alone. Difference resides in the fact that someone who’s helpless to survive needs you and that it’s your responsibility to assure his survival and growth. And it’s your own son. Facing that responsibly, you will start to focus on his needs; you will try to give him the best and will slightly forget for a while your own needs, frustration, failures and eagerness for achievement and success. I’ve read somewhere something that deeply impressed me: "when a baby was born, he needs enough love to convince himself to stay alive". I think that describes the situation well.

Furthermore, I believe in the equality of both parents in their responsibilities. I don’t believe that the one who sacrifices more for the education of the baby must be the mother while the father is free from that. In our globalized world where traditional values are increasingly challenged by modern ways of life, economics and environmental pressures, flexibility is the key to balance and to share responsibilities to maximize family resources and comfort. There’s no rigid scheme anymore about how parents should share responsibilities and assume predefined roles.


Monday, 25 February 2008

父親角色的變與不變

從教育者、養家者到剛柔並濟的新好爸爸…
在不同時代,「好父親」的樣貌如何改變?為何改變?
作者也向每位父親提問:在生活的優先順序中,「做爸爸」排第幾位?

王舒芸 撰文

工業革命把父親帶出家庭

在農業社會裡,一個家庭的經濟與育兒責任常是夫妻一起分擔,工作場所通常就在家附近,父母親一起從事勞務。在那個時代,父親既是經濟供給者,也是道德監督者,當然,更是小孩教育的啟蒙者。
到了工業革命之後,市場經濟興起,所謂「現代核心家庭」改寫了父親角色的內涵。如雨後春筍般出現的工廠,把生產事業帶出了家庭,各家各戶開始得有人外出到工廠謀職,才能賺取足以維持家計的收入。這個產業結構的巨大變遷,造就了嚴格的性別階層體系。在這個體系裡,妻子在家從事無酬的家務勞動,以支持丈夫在外從事全職工作。而父親在照顧小孩這件事上,慢慢撤退到第二線。父親漸漸成為養家者的代名詞。因此,「離家工作」可說是工業革命將父親模塑為「養家者」角色的過程中,相當關鍵的一個歷史性因素。
這時,社會上對於父親角色的期待已經大不相同。隨著「養家」與「家務」的分工,親職(parenthood)漸漸開始等同與母職(motherhood),母親跟小孩的連結被認為是天生的、自然的特質,加上母親花許多時間跟孩子在一起,「自然而然」變成育兒專家,多數的男性成為單純的養家者,成為家庭的局外人。

好父親不是成功男人

根據社會學家班諾克堤斯的觀察,既然當時男性的價值主要由工作來定義,那麼他最主要的認同感也就來自他的所得能力。「養家者」代表穩定的工作、高收入、職業成就、物質的累積等等,這些便是男子氣概與成就的指標。因此,成功的男人典型,應該是投注大把的時間與精力在工作上,父親角色變成了次要任務。也就是說,爸爸常藉由事業上的成功來達成「顧家」的任務,所以在傳統的觀念裡,爸爸常常因為工作而不在家。反之,如果一個男性比較常待在家,反而會被視為偷懶、沒有男子氣概或失敗的象徵。
此外,社會上對於家庭內非傳統的性別角色,也還沒有足夠的支持與準備。現有的工作職場總是假設妻子理所當然應該對男人在工作上的需要給予支持,社會也沒有提供柔性的男性角色模式(nurturing manhood),反而對樂於育兒的爸爸存有負面的看法。在政策上,政府或企業界也不會想到如何均衡工作與父職角色的雙重需求。

全球化下的家庭異變

不過,這個「養家者」的角色期待,又再一次地隨著社會變遷而改寫。因著全球化時代的來臨,再加上女性教育程度不斷提高,大幅降低了女性進入職場的窒礙;另一方面,男性的失業率反而節節升高,尤其是那些低技術的勞工階級,男性在家中的經濟權威受到嚴重的挑戰。全球化趨勢使得聘僱主導權掌握在龐大的跨國企業手中,廣大的受薪階級只能被動地配合。
另一方面,因為全球化的趨勢,有一群男性即使擁有優渥的資源,卻同樣無法好好扮演父親的角色。這群父親通常是受過高等教育的高薪階級,但是他們在事業上能否發展,已不再單純地取決於學歷、年資,而在於他們的工作績效,或者他們是否能夠心無旁鶩、日以繼夜地投入工作,以及能否隨時隨地、無牽無掛地遷徙於不同的國家。對於這一群父母來說,跟時間賽跑的壓力越來越大,使得他們沒有太多時間精力照顧家庭。對他們來說,有時候辦公室甚至比自己的家更像家。
另外一個改變父親角色的是婚姻。在傳統的農業社會,婚姻制度基本上是以經濟與傳宗接代為主,感情為輔,所以離婚是一個很難被接納的選擇,非婚生子女也就被視為異數。因此,大部分的孩子是和有血緣關係的雙親居住在一起。二十世紀之後,越來越多女性有了經濟自主的能力,於是,因為經濟保障而進入婚姻的可能性大幅降低,愛情漸漸超越經濟與傳宗接代的目的。

父親角色M型化

當大部分的婚姻奠基於愛情,的確締造了比較高的婚姻品質。但是,相較於經濟或法律約束,「愛情」顯然是一個流動性很高,也很脆弱的機制。一旦伴侶之間的吸引力消退,那麼,無論是同居、離婚、再婚,都逐漸被社會認可與接受,法律上的限制也鬆綁了許多。於是,開始有越來越多的小孩,有個不在家的親生爸爸,或是和沒有血緣關係的繼父住在同一個屋簷下…父親跟孩子的互動關係也有了不同的面貌。
簡而言之,從農業時代到工業社會,父親角色從教育、照顧與養育責任集於一身,到後來撤退成養家者角色。到了全球化世代,家庭的概念已經變得相當多元,再加上全球化勞動之特殊性,使得有些父親也許仍然善盡養家的責任,有的卻連這個基本的責任都無能為力,更遑論照顧了。總之,今日的父親角色開始往兩個截然不同的方向流動:一端,是所謂剛柔並濟的「新好男人」,他們主動參與育兒活動,分擔照顧的重擔;另外一端則是一群不在家的缺席爸爸。

父親為何缺席?

男人與父親角色的連結,相較於女人與母親角色的密不可分,顯然薄弱了許多。許多男人即使有了親生的小孩,也不必然保證會善盡父親的責任。畢竟成為父親(being a father)和真正做父親(doing a father)是兩回事。事實上,單親媽媽越來越普遍,正反映出有越來越多的男人,就算已經成為爸爸,卻放棄做爸爸的機會。
在二次世界大戰前後,那些沒跟親生爸爸一起居住的小孩,大部分是因為爸爸離家從軍或者因病早逝,媽媽守寡或改嫁。但近年來,小孩不和親生爸爸一起居住的理由卻大異其趣。以美國來說,非婚生子女占了很大一部分,其中又以未成年的小爸爸小媽媽居多。另外,有的家庭是因為父母離異,媽媽獨立扶養小孩,因此孩子從小就沒有跟爸爸共同居住的經驗。
現在,所謂的「缺席爸爸」已不再侷限於那些不跟小孩同住的爸爸,也包括那一群既不跟小孩同住、也不支付生活費的爸爸們。至於那些按時拿錢回家、但在實際的照顧上卻相當疏離,甚至袖手旁觀的爸爸們,也屬於缺席爸爸的行列。
這些種種「缺席父親」的現象在一九九○年非常受到關注,遂有所謂「父親運動」的說法。各地方組織、草根運動領導人開始積極地串聯,跨越各種意識型態、政治與種族的界線,開始共同為促成父親與小孩的連結而努力。這樣的行動並非企圖減少母親在小孩生活內的地位,而是表達出,父親角色在孩子生活中也是不可忽視的。

親職是權利也是義務

瑞典政府的作法,是透過法律與社會政策雙管齊下。瑞典明文保障並積極鼓勵新生兒的父親得享有留職帶薪的親職假,就是所謂的「爸爸月」(daddy month),且只限定爸爸才能享有。如果爸爸不善加利用這個權益,媽媽也不能代替。因此,瑞典的男性申請育嬰假的比例是世界上數一數二的,此政策的目的在表達:每一個為人父母者,不論性別職業或者所得多寡,都有權利、也有義務照顧子女。
在法律方面,瑞典強制合法婚姻關係之外(從未婚、同居到離婚)的父親,須善盡對未成年子女的財務責任,並大力推動婚姻解組後的夫妻共同擁有小孩的監護權,使得夫妻即使離婚後,父親仍然能夠跟小孩維持某種程度的互動。這些政策的歷史流變,透顯出瑞典的公民社會與文化典範是如何看待父親角色的轉換:從把男性視為養家者,到鼓勵他們成為實際參與照顧的爸爸。
此外,越來越多兒童權利的捍衛者積極倡導,除非是因為家庭暴力而失敗的婚姻,否則在婚姻解組之後,父母親只要有能力,都應該共同享有監護小孩的權利。在北歐國家,共同監護權已經變成越來越受青睞的判決原則。這一方面代表當代的社會文化開始反省,在這個家庭結構不再如以往穩固的世代裡,未成年小孩的成長不應該成為父母脆弱婚姻的犧牲品,他們有權同時享有雙親的照顧。

做個剛柔並濟的新好爸爸

自古以來,這個世界對於父親與母親,似乎存在一套截然二分的標準。但隨著社會結構的不斷變遷,以及不同的社會文化對於性別角色的一再改寫,父母親之間的分工界線越來越模糊。只不過,在這個親職角色趨向中性化的過程裡,女人向外跨出的步伐似乎遠遠大過了男人踏進家裡的速度,許多父親對於擴展自己的家庭領土似乎仍意興闌珊,這與他們在商場或政界開疆闢土的野心與衝勁相比,遜色不少。
除了父親本身的角色認知之外,也有研究顯示:一位父親如果能夠得到重要他人的讚賞與支持,會提高他投入親職角色的熱忱。有的爸爸之所以不投入,是因為妻子不願意,或者無法放棄家中的母親角色。而妻子之所以不願意,可能出於傳統觀念對男性的認知,或者女性害怕放棄在家的核心地位,畢竟丈夫已經擁有較多的外界力量(事業、地位、頭銜、權力、收入);也有妻子之所以不鼓勵丈夫投入家務,是因為覺得男人在家事上的笨拙;最後,婦女也會因罪惡感或因避免被批評,而不鼓勵丈夫投入。
不過,當越來越多女性進入職場,她們的自我認同就不會完全依靠養育角色來確立,這也會慢慢帶領女性往親職角色平權化(shared parenting)的方向邁進。而做爸爸的也開始體會到,與孩子互動的經驗,往往可以幫助他澄清生活中不同事務的優先順序。因為工作上的成就,絕非衡量生命價值的唯一指標。
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附加的多媒體:
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Monday, 25 February 2008

做個民主爸爸!

林泰生 聲音

無論是四口之家的爸爸,還是四千名員工的大家長,
這位處處散發活力與魄力的企業領導者,
已將他的為父理念和經營之道融貫匯通──
無論在企業或家庭,都要做個民主的爸爸!

附加的多媒體:
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Monday, 25 February 2008

陶大偉與陶喆

陶大偉反省自己與上一代的關係,
他認為父母能看得到孩子的能力很重要。
或許如此他給陶喆自我的揮灑空間!
請您聽陶大偉的聲音,
請您讀我們的採訪。

李禮君 採訪 陶大偉 聲音

在螢光幕前,您總是將歡樂帶給大家。然而您也是個幽默的父親嗎?

是呀!哪個小孩希望自己的父親是一個老古板?但在華人社會,父親與小孩相處時不能笑,好像笑了就不莊重。
我很喜歡開玩笑,會搞笑的人比較受歡迎,在全世界都是如此。如果跟一個很「悶」的人在一起,悶到最後就會得膽結石。我的一些親戚長輩就很「悶」,一聽他們講話就想睡覺,跟他們聊天沒有話題,或者老是要在他的話題裏面聊,真的很慘。
我的幽默感有很大一部分是受到美國人的影響。在迪士尼動畫公司工作時,我發現,愛畫漫畫的人比較天真,像小孩子一樣,而且每個人都很愛開玩笑,連老闆也是如此。
記得有一次,我被老闆罵了一頓,從老闆的辦公室出來之後,一位同事用同情的眼光看著我說:「被罵了?」我說:「老闆被我狠扁了一頓!」這時老闆正好走出來,他故意捂著嘴、望著地板好像在找東西似的說:「Where are my front teeth?」(我的門牙到哪里去了?)像這種狀況,如果對方沒有幽默感的話,根本連不上!
當時陶喆大概只有四、五歲。從那時開始,他就會很驕傲的介紹爸爸給同學認識,這一點很重要,因為小孩子通常不願意介紹爸媽給朋友認識,因為怕被嘲笑。但是陶喆不會,或許因為他覺得我跟他的年紀其實相差不大!

難道您沒有嚴肅的時候?

當然有啦!例如陶喆念小學的時候,有一次在廚房玩火,差點把屋子給燒掉,那時我一手拿著水盆滅水、一手拿著藤條,準備要揍人了嘛!

您長期製作兒童節目,經常與小孩子接觸。您認為現代的兒童需要什麼樣的父親?

我先分享一個例子:我有個很有錢的朋友,他曾經告訴我,他出國時,都讓孩子跟他一起坐頭等艙,因為他要讓孩子知道,必須努力工作才有錢,有錢才能坐頭等艙。如果沒有錢,只能坐經濟艙。我心想,這是什麼話?這種大人怎麼能夠調教出正常的小孩?
現代社會有很多「凱子爹」和「凱子娘」,他們的工作是「孝順子女」,替兒女做牛做馬,有時半夜還得加班。我說的加班當然不是起床餵奶,而是漏夜替孩子排隊買昂貴的喬丹球鞋!他們寵小孩,有的是因為覺得自己小時候很窮、很苦,所以現在要儘量給小孩各種生活上的享受,小孩要什麼就給什麼。這種爸媽我見過很多。
還有另外一種父母,總是把小孩搞得很忙,下了課還要去補習,補習完了還要去學一大堆什麼藝術,說是要陶冶孩子的心性。我說,陶冶心性不應該是逼他去學不喜歡的東西。我常跟這些爸媽說,小孩子喜歡做什麼就讓他們去做。如果他不喜歡數學,不要讓數學把他搞死。今天有很多父母看不到小孩真正的需要。
我小的時候,父親是不讓我們碰藝術的。我喜歡畫畫,但是他會叫我去念書。我說:「功課已經做完了啊!」他就會說:「那就去復習、預習!」可是我喜歡畫畫,我現在立刻畫給你們看(拿出紙筆開始畫)!
我第一個畫的就是這個「牛伯伯」,這是我們那個年代的漫畫人物。我喜歡畫這種東西,可是我爸爸看不到,我哥哥姐姐也看不到,只有我媽媽看到了,或許因為她也愛畫,所以她看得出來,所以她讓我去參加繪畫班和各種繪畫比賽。長大以後,我找到我喜歡的工作,也就是因為這小小的一個點,讓我的興趣有機會發芽、長大。
總之,我覺得做父母不要做凱子爹、凱子娘,而是要讓小孩去發揮他最喜歡、最快樂的部分。我認為大學裏應該開一個「現代父母系」,我要當系主任,然後把那些凱子爹、凱子娘都給「當」了,而且罰他們永遠不能畢業!

那麼,您如何教育孩子?是否希望他學習吃苦?

其實,在小孩子的想法中,根本沒有什麼所謂的苦不苦,這些都是大人灌輸出來的觀念。
陶喆在美國的時候,都去加油站、速食店打工,若有客人吐了一地,他就得要趕快拿拖把去弄乾淨。為什麼?這就是生活!在美國,有很多高中生在暑假出去打工,,不論是男孩或女孩。如果他們想要買什麼東西,就用打工賺來的錢去買,大人不給錢的。因為生活本來就是這個樣子,而不是像有些人是活在象牙塔里面。

可否談談您的父親?您瞭解他嗎?

我對父親瞭解不多。小時候,父親因為工作的關係,非常的忙碌。後來我父母離婚,我們有五個兄弟姐妹,三個跟媽媽,兩個跟爸爸,而我是跟媽媽。我父親再婚之後,我們就更疏遠了。

陶喆今天在音樂領域上的成功,是您過去曾經預料到的嗎?

陶喆今天的成就,是我過去完全沒有想過的。
在他十三歲時,我送了他一把吉他。那是他的第一把。他得到這把吉他之後,每天專心的練習,練到手指起了水泡。那時我為了拍戲,常常往返臺灣和美國,每隔幾個月回到美國,就會發現他又學會了好多和絃或技巧。後來再回去,陶喆已經組了一個合唱團,但他好像也不想讓我知道。其實,我當時並沒有不准他走這一行,可是我很認真的跟他說,每一樣東西,它會往上走,也一定會往下掉,這就是地心引力定律。所以,在走上坡時就要開始想,降落時要用什麼樣的pose(姿勢)。
當然,一個小孩子怎麼可能想那麼多!可是我當時給了他一個想法,那就是:演藝圈絕對不是一條很好走的路。It’s cruel, but it’s truth.(它很殘忍,也很真實。)因為「每一個人都有他的滑鐵盧」,失敗是不可能避免的,只有輕重之分而已。你要走這條路是可以的,但是如果不走這條路,你有其他的想法,那也很好。
在真正決定當歌手之前,其實陶喆做過很多不同的工作。他在學校念的是心理學,但他並不想當個心理醫生。有一陣子,他還偷偷地去當了員警。另外,他也有想過要當電影導演、攝影師等等。不過,他兜了一大圈,最後還是選擇當了歌手,因為他發現這條路比較適合他。換句話說,陶喆今天所走的路,不是我鋪給他的,而是他自己闖出來的。

對於陶喆的音樂,您的看法是什麼?

在我看來,陶喆很幸運,因為他成長的環境,使他的音樂裏面包含了很多東西,像Rock, Jazz…還有像是所謂A Cappella這種無樂器、純粹用人聲創造的音樂風格,這些東西都不是今天很多歌手可以做的,因為他們沒有那種背景。我說的並不是它好或不好,但這就是一種「多樣性」。
陶喆並不是一個ABC(American-born Chinese,美國出生的華人)。他有受到美國文化的影響,但另一方面,他不「哈日」、不「哈韓」,但卻很「哈中」。他會在腦袋裏權衡思考,某些部分可能中國人比較強,例如老子、文學等等;但在生活上,他會選擇美國的方式。

您有想過和他合作一張專輯嗎?

唔…我想大概在二○一八年吧!

為什麼?

因為陶喆算時間都是以十年為單位的。哈哈哈…

您覺得自己算是一個成功的爸爸嗎?

不能算是很成功。可是我的人生觀是「Easy Going」(隨遇而安)。我已經六十幾歲了,看過太多的星海浮沉。只要翻翻去年或前年的雜誌、海報,很多人已經不見了,曇花一現。
很多時候,人生並不是照著我們原先的計畫去發生,尤其在現代社會,你永遠不會知道要當一個爸爸會碰到什麼問題,很多事情都是在預料之外,預料中的事情大概只有百分之三十。當然,做父母要有計劃,可是自己心中必須要先瞭解,很多事情總是會有變化,人生的路也不是只有一條。羅大佑有首歌是這麼唱的:愛情這東西我明白,但「永遠」是什麼?這句話真的很經典。

走紅的滋味您也嘗過,如何平心面對這些起落浮沉?

當一個人突然走紅,難免會有「大頭症」。越是一步步爬上去的人,越不容易有大頭症。如果原本沒沒無聞,突然之間大家都說你很棒,聽多了整個人就浮起來了。就像我在一九八○年跟夏玲玲、孫越做了一個「小人物狂想曲」節目,在大年初三晚上八點的黃金時段播出第一集,收視率一下就沖上去,突破了全年的紀錄。後來開始有人來找我:
「陶先生,我想請你拍戲!」
他問我片酬要多少,旁邊的朋友示意我說一百萬,我心想:這不瘋了!他聽了說不定白我兩眼就走了。不過,我也真的順勢說了一百萬,結果對方居然說:
「好好好,那我們明天就簽約吧?」
我聽了,差點兒當場從椅子上跌下來!
面對各種的變遷,宗教信仰對我有很大的幫助。我是個基督徒,不過我的信仰始終比不上那些被我帶領過的人,像是我的老朋友孫越。記得在一九八○那年,有一天,我跟孫越說我要請他吃中飯。他說:「孤寒幫主陶大偉終於要請吃飯了,我就是患急性腸胃炎、惡性膽結石也要先去吃了才去開刀!」你看他有多狠!
其實那是「藝人之家」的佈道會,餐後周聯華牧師的一席講道使孫越改變了他的下半生。現在孫越比我虔誠,他一個禮拜去三次,我三個禮拜去一次。哈哈…

您是否把信仰也傳給了兒子?

其實,陶喆比我更虔誠。以前在美國,他念的是教會學校,每天放學回家就要我聽他背聖經目錄、聽他說聖經故事。一直到現在,他吃飯前都要禱告。每次吃飯時,我總是在拿起筷子準備吃的時候才發現他在禱告,叫我不曉得該怎麼辦才好!所以我覺得,如果有一天他「降下來」的時候,一定能夠擺出很好看的pose,帥帥地降下來!

陶爸爸的話

我們經常問我們爸爸
怎樣的人才算偉大
他說我有一天會長大
這句話也不會有變化
爸爸說
你不要羡慕那有錢的人
有錢的煩惱你一定聽聞
也不要追求那虛榮名聲
爬得越高就跌得越深
摘自《媽媽的話》,陶大偉1984年作品

【關於陶大偉】

國立藝專美術系畢業,1972年赴美,之後在迪士尼擔任動畫師。1980年返台投入演藝事業迄今,主演電影二十一部,灌錄個人唱片七張,主持及製作電視節目包括膾炙人口的《小人物狂想曲》、《嘎嘎嗚啦啦》等等,1986年的《小葫蘆歷險記》並榮獲紐約國際電視影展動畫片銀質獎。
陶大偉對兒童媒體教育始終執著,曾多次獲頒「金鐘獎」最佳主持人、最佳製作人等獎項,1998年獲新聞局頒發「兒童節目終身成就獎」。目前致力於研發3D動畫片,2000年赴上海發展動漫產業,製作動畫劇情片《黑皮冒險王》52集,獲各界好評。

附加的多媒體:
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